The importance of connection
As human beings we are wired and built for connection. We have a deep emotional, social and physical need for connection and the first port where this need is met is within our own families.
Having a bond or connection with our children, whether small, teenagers or grown up can have a lasting impact on both their lives and our own as parents. The benefits of maintaining a strong connection and a relationship built on a healthy attachment include, but are not limited to:
- Increased resilience
- Decreased negative emotions
- Improved behaviour
- Improved impulse control, planning and attention
- An improved stress response with connection acting as a stress buffer
- Improved confidence and self-esteem
- Better social competence
- Improved independence
Instinctively we can all acknowledge the need and benefit of connection, but how do we implement this practically within our own lives? Fostering connection takes an investment of time and effort from our side and can mean different things at different ages.
Some of the hallmarks of connection building activities are emotional attunement, undivided attention, warm physical affection (where appropriate), an interest in another’s inner world, choosing curiosity over judgement or correction and the willingness to repair following disagreements or conflict.
Some ideas for connection building at different ages include the following:
Pre-School Age
- 10 – 15 min of child-led play daily
- Activities that are about time spent together and not teaching or correcting
- Cuddles during story time
- Rough and tumble play (if the child enjoys this)
- Having a special connection/greetings ritual (e.g. a secret handshake)
- Doing the daily rituals together (e.g. bedtime routines)
Junior School Age
- Spending time on joint interests and ‘adventures’ (e.g. hikes or trips)
- Weekly one-on-one time
- Connecting and checking in with undivided attention daily (e.g. what was you high or low of the day)
- A hug or cuddle when needed
- Asking about their world and sharing appropriate stories from your own childhood
Senior School Age
- Listening without fixing or correcting
- Providing physical presence, communicating availability to connect without pressure
- Shared activities (e.g. coffee-runs, driving practice, gym)
- Asking their input/advice (on age-appropriate matters)
- Hugs or a hand on the shoulder, but respect their preference and privacy
- Involving them and sharing responsibility (e.g. a cooking challenge or a music playlist exchange)
As life gets busy, if the above feels unattainable we can also aim to meet the 5-minute daily commitment to foster connection at any age:
- 1 min of eye contact
- 1 x curious question
- 1 x affectional gesture
- 1 x validating statement
May you reap the benefits of deep and meaningful connections with the people you fill your life with!
